Women Doing It All At Christmas

Living / 12 November, 2024 / My Baba

As we look forward to the holiday season, our first thoughts are of the magic, the togetherness, the spirt of generosity, faith and the greatest joy. Then we remember: the work of preparing for and seamlessly executing the holidays, as is generally the case with the work of home and care, has historically rested on the shoulders of women. The truth is, it’s mostly women doing it all at Christmas. The statistics don’t lie; on average, mothers manage 72.57% of the cognitive labor (planning) and 63.64% of physical labor (execution) related to household responsibilities.

As the socially appointed Chief Family Magic-Makers, women face the same annual conflict: the desire to cultivate beautiful, memorable moments and the feeling of being alone in the task. Women are doing it all at Christmas and holiday prep is most definitely not the stuff of magic. It is weeks (months!) of meticulous planning, thoughtful communicating, high-level organizing, and building emotion and meaning into every detail.

This precious, pressure-filled and heavy work is comprised of much effort that is seen and heaps more that is unseen: that cognitive effort that precedes the executional stage known as the “mental load.”

“Mental load” refers to the typically invisible effort involved in anticipating, preparing for and managing responsibilities and tasks. It is not necessarily the “doing” but everything that enables the doing to happen. Often, because it goes unseen, this work is also unsupported and unacknowledged. During the holidays, this load can increase, made heavier by navigating a calendar full of activities, the pressures of meeting expectations set by society, friends, or family and finding the time, creativity and financial resources to do it all.

Holding space for complex emotions

Mental load can also mean holding space for the complex emotions that often arise at holiday time, such as social anxiety, family loss or other complicated family dynamics. Whether these are our feelings or those expressed by loved ones, as the designated stress-absorbers of our family, chances are we are impacted by them.

Our mental load manifests as a constant ticker tape in our brains of “what-ifs”, “I mustn’t forgets”, “have I done enoughs”. The constant anxiety of not dropping a single ball. What begins as a joy-filled season becomes overwhelming and depleting. In fact, there is a direct correlation between heavy cognitive labour and mental health: Mothers who carry more of the mental workload report higher levels of stress, depression, burnout, and lower overall wellness.

Occasionally, we are extended “help” with some of the executional elements – a grocery shop (after making and providing a list), picking up or dropping off, or front-line hosting. This “doing” support may provide some relief, but the cognitive and emotional labour tend to remain. The revolution is in sharing it all, equitably and meaningfully.

This holiday season – a gift to you. A better system for partnering and co-owning both the effort and the delight in planning a beautiful season. A lighter mental load because the unseen details are spoken and shared. Still magical, perhaps even more so, because the tremendous love and effort that guides the process is better understood.

Reflect

Instead of women doing it all at Christmas, gather as a family and discuss that which truly make the holidays special for you. Speak together about the thinking, planning and doing that goes into bringing each element to life. Not in a way that will make it less festive. Rather, hopefully enhancing the preciousness of it all. Agree on your most important traditions and set a path for how you’d like your holidays to feel, taste, smell. This first step breaks the cycle of holiday planning being yours alone.

Release

Speak candidly as well about things that perhaps aren’t so meaningful. Talk about what feels overwhelming or stressful or just not that important. Agree to set some aside for this season. Circle back after the holidays and see if you missed them.

Redefine

Discuss how a beautiful holiday doesn’t have to mean perfection! Dad not participating in gift wrapping because he might do it messily? Time to embrace the mess! It’ll mean one less thing on mum’s long, lonely list, and who knows – it might be the source of much laughter and even a new tradition. Shift focus to contribution and care, not flawlessness.

Remind

Share honestly with your family how meaningful holiday magic is to you too, and how special it would feel to be on the receiving end of it, in addition to how much you cherish being a planner. Mindfully and together create a holiday that is joyful for you all. This is not about family members offering “help” – it’s about weaving a team approach from the start where you all own the opportunity to be magic-makers for one another.

Rejoice

Be present in this beautiful time. Make space to savour gratitude, beauty, and connection. Focus on what is and not on what isn’t. Be not driven by obligation, but rather by what your family values have identified as truly nourishing and steeped in meaning. Let these values be the north star that leads you to the delight, rest and reflection the holiday season can bring for you all. Your children will remember your joy much more than your perfection.

Article by Lori Sugarman-Li. Lori is a family coach, speaker, and the author of acclaimed children’s book: Our Home – The Love, Work and Heart of Family